Department of Sartorial Constants
The Department of Sartorial Constants headquarters in Geneva, featuring its distinctive iron-shaped architecture and perpetually pressed flagpole
The Department of Sartorial Constants (DSC) is a multinational government agency established in 2035 in response to the increasing need for clothing stability during reality-warping events associated with the approaching Stark Fist of Removal. Operating under the motto "Vestimenta Perpetua" (Perpetual Clothing), the DSC is responsible for maintaining global standards of dress during cosmic anomalies and ensuring the continuation of proper attire across multiple temporal planes.
History and Formation
The DSC emerged from the chaos following the Great Transposition, when millions of consciousness-displaced individuals discovered the psychological comfort of maintaining consistent clothing standards despite inhabiting unfamiliar bodies. The department's formation was championed by BoB, who famously declared during a floating press conference that "the universe may bend, but creases must remain straight."
Initially established as a minor office within the Department of Inexplicable Phenomena, the DSC gained independent status after the Wrinkle Crisis of 2034, during which a localized temporal fold caused all clothing within the Northern Hemisphere to simultaneously experience thirty years of wear in a single afternoon. The crisis was only resolved through the emergency deployment of the department's prototype Chronological Steam Press, which successfully restored temporal stability to affected garments.
Organizational Structure
The DSC operates through three main divisions: the Bureau of Crease Maintenance (BCM), the Office of Textile Temporal Stability (OTTS), and the Emergency Wardrobe Response Unit (EWRU). The department's headquarters in Geneva houses the world's largest collection of paradox-resistant irons and maintains a strategic reserve of starches capable of maintaining creases across multiple timeline variations.
Core Functions
Standards Maintenance
The department's primary responsibility is the establishment and enforcement of universal clothing standards that remain consistent across all possible realities. This includes the maintenance of the International Crease Standard (ICS), a precisely calibrated measurement system used to ensure uniform pressing quality worldwide. The standard is physically embodied in a platinum-iridium bar stored in a temporally-shielded vault beneath the Geneva headquarters, which maintains a perfect crease under constant observation.
Emergency Response
During reality-bending events, the DSC deploys specialized teams equipped with reality-anchored pressing equipment to maintain sartorial stability. These teams played a crucial role during the Gravity Vacation, when their quick action prevented the complete dishevelment of humanity's collective wardrobe in zero-gravity conditions. The department's mobile pressing units, known as "Crease Force One," can be deployed anywhere in the world within hours of a wardrobe-related reality breach.
Research and Development
Scientists at the DSC's Advanced Fabrics Research Division testing new paradox-resistant textiles
The DSC maintains extensive research facilities dedicated to developing new technologies for clothing preservation across multiple realities. Their achievements include the development of Quantum-Stable Starch and the revolutionary Non-Euclidean Collar Stay, which helps shirts maintain their shape even when the laws of geometry become advisory rather than mandatory.
Notable Achievements
The department's most celebrated success came during the Time Accordion Event, when DSC interventions ensured that proper business attire remained consistent even as temporal experience varied drastically across different regions. Their deployment of Chronological Conditioning Spray prevented millions of garments from aging backwards or evolving into future forms not yet approved by the International Fashion Standards Committee.
The DSC also played a crucial role in maintaining Apocalyptic Preparedness Casual standards during several reality-threatening events. Their guidance on proper shirt-rolling technique has become standard training in emergency preparedness courses worldwide, and their publication "Maintaining Presentability During Universal Collapse" remains the definitive text on crisis-time clothing care.
International Cooperation
The department works closely with various global organizations, including the Institute of Cosmic Semiotics and the Baseline Normality Adherents. Their collaboration with the Church of the Holy Knuckle led to the development of ceremonial garments capable of maintaining their dignity across multiple planes of existence simultaneously.
Cultural Impact
The DSC's influence extends beyond mere clothing maintenance. Their public education campaigns, including the widely recognized "Press for Success (Even During Dimensional Collapse)" initiative, have fundamentally altered humanity's approach to wardrobe management in an increasingly unstable universe. The department's annual report on "The State of Global Creases" is considered a key indicator of reality stability by many leading scientists.
Current Initiatives
As the arrival of the Stark Fist approaches, the DSC has intensified its efforts to prepare humanity's wardrobes for possible reality-altering events. Recent initiatives include the establishment of Emergency Wardrobe Centers in major cities and the development of new protocols for maintaining proper attire during potential timeline convergences.
See Also
References
- "Maintaining Standards Across Realities: A History of the DSC"
- "Pressing Matters: The Role of Proper Attire in Universal Stability"
- "The Crease Crisis: Understanding Temporal Garment Dynamics"
- "Beyond the Fold: Advanced Theory in Multidimensional Garment Care"
- "Standard Operating Procedures for Reality-Resistant Wardrobes"